Obligatory Valentine’s Post…wah wah wah

I spent Valentine’s Day hungover as fuck… and hoping that my new work friends will talk to me again after seeing me at my finest.  One time, my friend Ben gave me the nickname “A. Thriller,” which is used to describe the inebriated version of myself.  I could make a lot of excuses, like that I had only eaten once at 3 p.m., I was dehydrated,  and I’d just gotten done with a hard day of walking around in the rain begging people to save babies, but the real truth is that I just shouldn’t drink so much.  I’m not a guy so I can’t drink like the guys and when I’m already so blotto that I’m explaining to people my college thesis, I shouldn’t start taking whiskey shots.  

I’ve been grappling with the fact that I’m not a lady.  The baby name book my parents had said “Andrea” means womanly or something, but it’s really not fitting.  My flirting technique consists of challenging guys at whatever they do best and pretending like I can do it a million times better, even if I obviously cannot.  When a cute guy gets on the treadmill next to me at the gym, I don’t leave so he won’t see me sweat or something, I turn up the speed and try to run faster than him.  This usually never goes on for more than about 3 minutes.  When I go to bars with guys, I try to drink more than them and then act like an asshole.  This does not make me appealing—it makes me look like a bro with a substance abuse problem.  Guys don’t want to date their drunk bros, they want to date ladies.  I don’t like to act like a lady though—I don’t like to flirt and giggle at stupid jokes, I don’t like to talk about myself other than as one half of a fashionable psychic crime fighting mystery team, and I would rather smoke pot, play with dachshunds, and watch TV shows on the Internet by myself than sit awkwardly and listen to someone try to seamlessly appear intelligent, cool, successful, and fun.  I’d like to have a boyfriend if I didn’t have to do the whole dating/courtship/getting to know someone bullshit.  I just can’t do it and I think it’s because I’m not a lady.

Wah wah wah….